| Its a Grey Kinda Thing*' |
[Mon, May 18, 2009 @ 8:47a ] |
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Did you say it? I love you and I don’t ever want to live with out you. You changed my life. Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it. But every now and then look around. Drink it in. Because this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.
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| more more more, they always want more*' |
[Fri, May 01, 2009 @ 9:21p ] |
So pretty much ever since my mom left us, Ive been trying to make up for it. To my dad and travis. Its been alot worse since i came back from school too.
Its because I feel guilty.
I want to make it up to them.
Its not my fault mom left, but its my fault I left.
Ive always gone out of my way for the people I love.
But Ive been doing it to make my dad and brother happy.
its so difficult when the people I love most arent happy.
Im doing everything I can to be better for them, make things easier for them.
But nothing makes a diffrence.
They take me for granted.
They use, and abuse me.
And its breaking me down.
I feel completely useless.
I have very low self worth right now.
I cant do anything right.
Its effecting everything I do.
Jared is the most wonderful person.
and I dont feel good enough.
Ever.
And its not his fault.
My family, they have broken me.
I cry about everything.
at the drop of a hat.
When he gets mad, I always assume its because I did something.
Or didn't do something.
He loves me.
I love him.
And I dont want to mess this up because Im sad.
I try too hard.
because I always want to make everyone happy.
Which is actually impossible.
Especially when no one seems to want to be happy.
But me feeling so worthless is starting to be a real problem.
Ive never felt so down. Even though i have lots of reasons to be happy.
I just wish my family appreciated me.
I wish my mom was apart of my life.
I wish I didnt miss her so much.
I wish Jennifer was still her.
I wish i didnt wish for so much.
I just want to be good enough for someone.
No not just someone,
for Jared ♥ .
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| 10 Weeks Have Gone By*' |
[Fri, May 01, 2009 @ 8:58p ] |
So My life is a topsy turvey mess.
On January 31, One of my closest Friends died. She made the choice to ride with a drunk driver, and she didn't wear her seatbelt. When he ran a red light another car hit him and she went through the windsheild. I miss her every single day. I see her everywhere. In the eyes of strangers, in petals of flowers, on drops of rain, in the clouds.
We were going to be in each others weddings.
Our children were going to grow up as friends.
When my whole world felt wrong, she was one of the people I was supposed to count on.
But she is gone now.
It just doesnt make sense, it doesn't fit.
Her Memorial, and funeral made it a little easier to understand. Her family seemed very at peace. Dont get me wrong, it was a tragedy to them. But they are religious. And to them, Jennifer went to heaven. Ive struggled with religion my whole life. I dont know what to believe, but I believe she went to heaven.
She was having a hard time here. She didnt know how to get happy here. And the way her family told it to me, was that God hated seeing her stuggle here on earth, hated seeing her hurt, so he took her home, he took her some where she could find her happiness, and be at peace.
It still breaks my heart. I am jelous. Not of her dying, but of god. For having her when I cant. I dont want her in heaven, I want her here, so we can be in each others weddings.
Its been a couple of months since she has passed, but it still hurts just as much as the first day it happened.
I will always miss her.
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| Used And Abused* |
[Thu, Feb 19, 2009 @ 9:51a ] |
She may be weary
Women do get weary
Wearing the same shabby dress
And when she's weary
Try a little tenderness
Oh, she may be waiting
Just anticipating
Things she may never possess
While she's without them
Try a little tenderness
It's not just sentimental
She has her grief and her care
But a word so soft and gentle
Makes it easier to bear
You won't regret it
Women don't forget it
Love is they're whole happiness
And it's all so easy
Try a little tenderness
♥
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| Job*' |
[Mon, Sep 29, 2008 @ 12:55p ] |
Hey, lets get this thing going.
What thing?
This thing called life.
♥
Im not useless after all.
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| Alanis Says*' |
[Wed, Sep 03, 2008 @ 2:44a ] |
You´re the best listener that I´ve ever met
You´re my best friend
Best friend with benefits
What took me so long
I´ve never felt this healthy before
I´ve never wanted something rational
I am aware now
I am aware now
(Its becoming more and more true each day ♥ )
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| Maybe You Should Try It Out*' |
[Tue, Sep 02, 2008 @ 10:30p ] |
OneWord.com
its kinda cool
I try to do it every day.
Its fun to see what you can come upwith, and even more interesting to see what other people come up with.
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| The View*' |
[Sun, Aug 24, 2008 @ 3:42a ] |
I have always been afraid to make mistakes. No one wants to mess up. But, for a long time, I let it keep me from trying.
I know myself very well. I know I am clumsy, and messy, and I am always second guessing myself. I know that I have a big heart. I know that I often allow myself to get hurt, in order to keep someone else from hurting. I also know that I allow little things to cut me. Snide remarks, a joke from a sharp tongue, cut through me to the very core.
But there are somethings that I am still finding out. For instance, I am very brave. But, only because I allow myself to be terrified of everything. I am confident. Only because I know what I would do to achieve my goals, just to avoid the look on my families face, if I were to let them down.
I have always believed I am a dreamer. A hopeless romantic. And in some cases, a lost cause. Ive drempt about changing the world. Ive hoped to find that one person that makes my skin come alive and dance at the very thought of their touch. But on both subjects, I never actually expected to change the world, or find my soulmate. Which is why ive believed myself to have been a lost cause.
And until lately, Ive let my life coast by me. At one point in my life, I thought I had everything. But because life is the way it is, everything changed, and what I at first had thought was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, really ended up being the begining to finding myself.
I will spend the rest of my life, learning who I am. I am full of so much more strength then i ever imagined. I tend to find other people to lean against when I feel weak. I have always allowed someone else to help me up when I have fallen. But until tonight, I had never realized how much more strength it takes a person to stand up on their own.
When you fall, your pride also falls with you. As does your confidence, your stride, your achivements. People dont fall in parts, people are always a whole.
I have been to afraid to reach for the top, in the fear that I will out streach myself and tummble down back to the bottom. Until tonight I had never realized, that I do not know how tall I am. I have never stood up straight and tall. I have never let my insecurities become weightless. They have always been a burden on me. They have always sagged my shoulders, bent my knees, and curved my spine. The fear of falling, has always kept me from standing.
I am not saying that I am going to drop my insecurities and ecome unstoppable. No, I will always have my doubts, and my worries. But I am saying, that i am aware of my fears. I am aware of the life ive been allowing to pass by me. All I am saying is that, tomorrow, I plan on standing a little taller, and reaching a little farther.
I will always be afraid of falling, but when I do, I wont be as afraid of the bottom. Because I'll atleast know I was high enough to fall. And when I finally stand again, oh i promise you I will stand again, I will smile at the view.
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| Despite It All'* |
[Sat, Aug 16, 2008 @ 6:41p ] |
Im not going to let you hurt me anymore.
Im not going to let you make me feel like you are better than me.
You're not.
The more you pass gudgment over me, it shows what kind of person you are.
You are so insecure.
Quit trying to control my life.
Quit trying to make me feel bad about the way i choose to live.
At the end of the day, i am happy about the person i am.
Dont you dare try to belittle my accomplishments.
Ive finally realized, its not worth hurting myself over and over, just to be your friend.
I thought it would hurt me more when i realized i dont need you in my life, but honestly,
its come as a huge relief.
Im going to miss the friendship we once had, but the person i became friends with, is no where to be seen in you.
You are a completely diffrent person.
And im not sorry to let this new person go.
I wish you luck and happiness in your life.
and im sorry you never cared enough to make things right, but im done trying, and im done letting you hurt me.
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| A New Change'* |
[Thu, Aug 14, 2008 @ 3:29a ] |
So i moved into a new apartment.
Its really nice.
Its big.
Things between Cristin and i are still kinda weird.
i hate it.
she is the first person I feel like i might actually lose.
And i dont think there is anything i can do to stop it.
Ive decided i need to grow up.
And ive made a To-do list.
But the problem is, i am scared to grow up.
To start taking responsibility over my actions.
I know its something ive been doing for a long time up until recently.
And now that ive been slacking off and letting things just go,
its scaring me to start taking charge again.
What If i mess things up? Do i really know what i want?
Am i going to be a dissapointment?
But i need to do this, bc as much as i love my parents,
I dont want to be like them.
I want to be someone you can rely on.
I want to be able to do things for myself.
I dont want to always just have my dad take care of me.
Even though i do appreciate all of the support he has given me.
I am truely very blessed.
But seriously, im scared.
And this whole "boy" situation.
ugh.
Im fairly certain i just fill my own head with crazyness.
I allow my mind to be filled with uncertainty.
I seem to be doubting myself alot lately.
But it think its just all me. I have so many questions about everything
but im too scared of the answers to ever actually ask the questions.
So im allowing fear to take over. And im letting the distance make me question eveything.
When im sure if i just asked questions,
well i dont know what the answers would be,
but atleast i would have answers. and I wouldnt be left to fill in the blanks with
the worst thing my brain can think of.
But it scares me, bc i do like him.
more than i care to think about.
more than i care to admit.
im not sure i like it.
but im also not sure that i dont like it.
growing up blows.
im terrifed.
i just want to cuddle up and sleep through this mess.
But this isnt just some mess, this is my life.
and Im going to stand tall and do it. I need to start making my own path.
Its the only way to get to the places i want to be.
and i need to start asking the hard questions.
Its the only way i can figure out whats going on.
I can do this.
Im going to do this.
I am doing this.
i just have to remember to breath.
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| Oh Today*' |
[Mon, Aug 04, 2008 @ 5:38p ] |
things im happy about today.
*Waking up to a text message.
*The sun is still shinning, despite the clouds.
*A cute boy called me on his break.
*Im getting kinda tan.
*I woke up fairly early today & havent taken a nap yet.
*Alexa is one of the best friends a girl could ever ask for.
*Ive got most of my room packed.
*8 minute abs being on youtube.
*Its not even 6 yet! Im sure more good stuff will happen.
:)
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| Dont Let This Be A Trick*' |
[Tue, Jul 29, 2008 @ 11:40p ] |
I want to believe in this. I want this to be something. I'm giving too much power away here. Its been a long time since i have allowed myself to be this vounerable.
Its scary.
But im kinda having fun.
I hope this isnt a trick, a Mirage if you will.
Please let it be real.
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| Who Knows? Who Cares?*' |
[Sun, Jul 27, 2008 @ 12:07a ] |
I may have been all wrong before.
But i think it may be too soon to tell.
Despite what she may think, I am happy, and i dont feel like i need to prove that to anyone else, im the only one who has to deal with it all anyways.
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| I Lied*' |
[Mon, Jun 30, 2008 @ 8:31p ] |
I didnt mean to, but i lied when i said i wasnt going to expect anything or get my hopes up.
Because i did. And like always, i got let down.
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| Sweet Sweet Summer*' |
[Sun, Jun 22, 2008 @ 11:44p ] |
Oh live journal.
Im happy to get on here and see people have posted. But makes me feel bad for not posting more.
I might like a boy. And he might like me back. He is very sweet. and funny. and all that jaz, but ive had the worst luck lately, so im not going to expect anything from this. That way hopefully i wont end up let down.
I got to visit with the family and that was all very good. I missed them.
But by going home i learned that i actually hate someone. Ive never hated anyone before. Ive disliked peopl and all that, but never full on hate. But i hate someone right now, but im forced to act nice to her. It makes me sick to even think of. I used to be friends with this girl and now i cant even look her in the eye. it takes alot out of me to hate her, I dont want to, but i cant help it. what she is doing is wrong, inappropriate, and disgusting. and thats all im going to say about it.
ill post more soon, im just kind of tired and trying to put music on my new phone.
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| Work*' |
[Tue, Jun 03, 2008 @ 4:32p ] |
It would probably be easier to get a job if i actually wanted one.
Im exahusted, and i haven't done anything.
I think im exahusted by life.
I'm getting more and more home sick by the minute.
I think im gong to boycott boys.
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| My Friends*' |
[Sun, Jun 01, 2008 @ 6:17p ] |
The people in my life are amazing. Cristin came home early last night and suprised us, which was a very good thing. I missed her. Its good to have her home. We planned on going to Ginnie Springs when alexa got home from work, but there were sever thunder storms and all that good stuff. So then we decided to take the beer we had down to the club house and play drinking pingpong, and hangout, but the melrose club house sucks and was closed for some reason. So we came back to our apt, and played drinking games and jammed out to James Davis tunes.
So as i said before, Cristin came home last night, so we all (me cristin, kev, alexa) sat up until 2:30ish talking and catching up, and talking about people from vero, and what they are up to nowadays. Then i went to lay down and try to sleep, but i couldnt so I watched some grey's. And at around 4 O'clock i recieved a phone call from a very drunk eric hogan. I love that boy.
He is so important to me. We talked for ever, which we always do. Our friendship is very refreshing to me. He has a way of making me realize things about myself. He has a way of making me feel comfortable about my own feelings. Every one of my friends plays an important role in my life. But the conversations i had with eric last night some how put that into perspective for me.
Sometimes its just good to hear someone remind you what you mean to them. To make sure you know how much they care for you. Its good to be reminded that, to someone, you mean a whole lot. So I just want to remind my friends, how much i appreciate them.
Thank you guys, for always being my shoulder, my ear, my smile. Without you, i would be lost.
I love you.
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